he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
being pregnant is like rehab
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
