She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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