Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
