So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
