I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
