Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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