Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
