I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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