u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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