I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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