We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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