Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
