It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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