my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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