By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
