Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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