i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
