Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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