If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
