you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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