Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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