Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
