Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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