Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
