Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
