I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
