I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
