living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
