No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
