I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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