i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
