So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
