People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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