i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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