i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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