M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
