Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Randomize
