I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
