I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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