so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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