Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
