i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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