I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
