I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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