I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
