I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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