Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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