A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
