I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
