Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
