I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
