you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I wear drunk well.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
