You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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