I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
